Oh Boy! I just loved that movie so much!
Hier ein paar "memorable quotes":

Oh yeah, baby, you won't be able to shit right for a week!

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Marcus: It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
Willie: That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
Bob Chipeska: It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...
Willie: Fornicate?
Bob Chipeska: Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
Willie: Look, I've boned alot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.
Bob Chipeska: Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...
Marcus: If we what?
Bob Chipeska: Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.
Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.
Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?
Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding pickett signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
Willie: You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said 'You People.'
Marcus: Who the hell is us people?
Bob Chipeska: No... He said... But... what... No no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
Willie: Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here Marcus.
[Willie and Marcus get up to leave as Willie turns back to Bob]
Willie: You're pathetic.

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Willie: I said, "Next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV!

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Bob Chipeska: I don't know. There's just something about the guy that makes me uneasy.
Gin: Well sure. Santa fucking someone in the ass.

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Bob Chipeska: Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resume by the way.
Marcus: Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.
Bob Chipeska: You two are perfect for this job, truly. So, I don't want his unpleasentness affect your performance in any way.
Marcus: Oh no. We...
Willie: Performance?
Bob Chipeska: Yes. Your performance. You know, the...
Willie: Do you mean sexual?
[Bob looks up at Willie in confusion]
Bob Chipeska: Excuse me?
Willie: Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what your saying to me?
Bob Chipeska: I'm sorry, your gear?
Marcus: Willie...
Willie: My fuck stick
[Bob makes a disgusted look]
Marcus: Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.
Bob Chipeska: He's not going to say fuck stick in front of the children, is he?
Marcus: No! It was just a joke. An adult joke. For us, adults. It's a joke. Just a joke.

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Gin: [after sseing a kid has placed a game in his pants] What's this?
Shoplifter: I was going to pay for it.
Gin: Wrong answer.

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Sue: Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

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Willie: You can't drink worth shit.
Marcus: I weigh 92 pounds, you dick!

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Gin: Santa likes to fuck fat chicks in the ass.

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Kid: Your beard's not real.
Willie: It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.
Kid: How come?
Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
Kid: Mrs. Claus?
Willie: Actually it was her sister.

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[Willie has just passed out]
Gin: Look here, get himy outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food poisoning or something.
Marcus: What do you mean, get him outta here?
Gin: Take him to the car.
Marcus: In case you didn't notice I'm a motherfucking dwarf, so unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand hmm?
Gin: That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment 'cause your handicapped. You're all the same.
Marcus: Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?
Gin: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!
Marcus: Sketch it up, you fucking moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.
Gin: What'd you call me thigh-high?
Marcus: I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!
Gin: I could stick you up my ass, small fry.
Marcus: Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?
Gin: You got some lip on you midget.
Marcus: yeah? Well these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole!

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Marcus: [Willie, as Santa, is scratching his butt while a line of kids looks on] I don't think you should be digging in your ass.

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Marcus: If I call you next December, IF I call you next December, you're gonna be so happy to hear from me, you're gonna do a goddamn back flip. You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you're gonna get fucking hat-burn.

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Miami Bartender: Hey, asshole. How many times I gotta tell you, get out from behind my bar! Put the drink down right now. Put the drink down right now!
Willie: [gulps drink down] Fuck you.
Miami Bartender: Fuck me?
[lunges at Willie; they fight]
Willie: Ow!
[Willie is thrown over the bar; He recovers and chucks a glass at the bartender]
Willie: Fuck you!
Miami Bartender: Fucking prick.
Willie: Asshole!

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Marcus: How much?
Gin: Half.
Willie: No fucking way...
Marcus: Just back off, Will, I got this. I got this! Okay, 30%. That's three of us. 30%, that's fair.
Gin: Half.
Marcus: I meant 33%.
Gin: I meant half.
Marcus: And 1/3.
Gin: Half.
Marcus: 35%.
Gin: Half.
Marcus: 40%.
Gin: Half.
Marcus: 42%?
Gin: Half.
Marcus: Um... 45%.
Gin: [Thinks for a minute] Half.
Marcus: 48%?
Gin: [In British accent] Half.
Marcus: 49%?
Gin: Half.

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Willie: [upon seeing the safe] Oh shit.
Marcus: What? What?
Willie: It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt.
Marcus: So?
Willie: Remember Andy Pitz?
Marcus: Andy Pitzerelli, yeah.
Willie: No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls.
Marcus: Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What's your fucking point?
Willie: Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.
Marcus: And that's a good thing? So what the fuck are you getting at?
Willie: When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.
Marcus: Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those fuckin' housewives in a fucking lime green fucking velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this fucking safe? Is that what you telling me?
Willie: No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.

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Gin: We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.
Marcus: No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh...
Gin: This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix!
[Exits]
Willie: Pricks fix?
Marcus: Ah, he's a fucking moron.
Willie: Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?
Marcus: Fuck you.
Willie: Negotiating?
Marcus: You don't like it? Next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey.
Willie: Yeah and I can get another midget too.
Marcus: Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?

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Gin: Sweet Jews for Jesus!

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Gin: You know what I see when I look at you? America's got a sad future ahead of it.

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Kid: Good night, Santa. Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister.

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Willie: What are you, my fucking mother? You shat me out of your womb?
Marcus: You said that yesterday, you fucking moron.

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Marcus: You could never front your own racket and do you know why, Willie? Because you got no discipline, you got zero fucking initiative. You'd fall apart without me. You're just too pathetic for words. You're a fuckin' loser and you fuckin' know it.

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Bob Chipeska: [about Willie] Can you maybe find out something on this guy?
Gin: Fuck yeah.

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Kid: Should I fix you some sandwiches?
Willie: I don't want any fucking sandwiches. What is it with you and fixin' fucking sandwiches?

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Willie: Why don't you wish in one hand, and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

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Willie: I beat the shit out of some kids today, but it was for a purpose.

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Willie: You know, I think I've turned a corner.
Marcus: Yeah? You fucking petites now?
Willie: No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.
Marcus: You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many fuckin' years of therapy.

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[to Willie]
Marcus: Your soul is dog shit. Every single thing about you is ugly.

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Woman in Food Court: Look who's here! It's Santa! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas!
Willie: [yelling] I'm on my fucking lunch break, OK?
Woman in Food Court: The manager's going to hear about this.
Willie: You think you're a threat? You think you can make my fucking life any worse? Go ahead, take a shot!

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Willie: [after loosing a game of checkers] You lousy cheating little shit! God damn it, you're fucking with me! First you take ten minutes, then you're like fucking Seabiscuit all over the god damn place.

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Willie: OW! Watch the toenails, kid. Shit!

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Willie: Things are fucked up at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus caught me fucking her sister, now I'm out on my ass.

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Gin: Man is a sexual being.

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Kid: It's a wooden pickle.

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Willie: Are you fucking with me?

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Kid: Why do you need a car?
Willie: What the fuck are you talking about?
Kid: This car.
Willie: Which turn is it?
Kid: Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?
Willie: It's in the shop, getting repaired.
Kid: Where are the reindeer?
Willie: I stabled them. Is it left or right?
Kid: That way. Where's the stable?
Willie: Next to the shop.
Kid: How do they sleep?
Willie: Who? The reindeer? Standing up.
Kid: But the noise. How do they sleep?
Willie: What noise?
Kid: From the shop.
Willie: They only work during the day, all right?
Kid: I thought it was always night at the North Pole.
Willie: Well, not now. Right now it's always day.
Kid: Then how do they sleep?
Willie: Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?
Kid: On *my* head?
Willie: Well, yeah. What, are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?
Kid: How can they drop me onto my own head?
Willie: No, not *onto* your... Would... God damn it! Are you fucking with me?

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Willie: [the kid on his lap stares blankly at him] Well, what do you want? Great. Another fucking Mongoloid. Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me, all right? Don't fuck with my beard.

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Grandma: Let me fix you some sandwiches...

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Hindustani Troublemaker: I am not gay!
Willie: What the hell, buddy?
Hindustani Troublemaker: BUDDY! I am not gay!
Willie: Are you off your fuckin' meds or something?
Hindustani Troublemaker: Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as queer as a ten dollar bill!
Willie: Well, let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam.

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Marcus: More booze, more bullshit, more butt-fucking
Willie: Sure, the 3 B's.

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Willie: I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 21/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!

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Willie: Let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last fucking time because this is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...
Hindustani Troublemaker: [Grabs Willie and pins him against the car] Elf fucker! Motherfucker. Elf fucker! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...
Kid: Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker: Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.
Kid: Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker: [Willie pulls free. Hindustani Troublemaker turns to leave] Ass clown.

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Willie: [from Willie's letter to the kid] Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would have plugged his ass. Now the cop's know I wrote it, whick is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King.

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Willie: I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa Claus.

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Marcus: Motherfucker! Oh you lousy, fucking motherfucker.

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Kid: Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?
Willie: No, thank the fuck Christ.
Kid: What about the elves?
Willie: Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends.

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Marcus: You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin' shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass.

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Willie: Is that your underwear?
Kid: Part of it.
Willie: Where the hell's the rest of it?
[the kid opens his mouth to speak]
Willie: Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want?
Kid: I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind.
Willie: Yeah? What?
Kid: Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won't be my bad thing.
[Santa looks at the kid in confusion]
Willie: Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?
Kid: He made it all better?
Willie: No, he kicked my ass. You know why?
Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
Willie: What the fuck? No!
Kid: He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?
Willie: No. It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.
[the kid stares at Santa]
Willie: Or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.
Kid: Okay. Thanks Santa.

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Willie: What do you want?
Fraggle-Stick Boy: Fraggle-Stick car.
Willie: What the fuck is that?
Fraggle-Stick Boy: Fraggle-Stick car.
Willie: Well I heard you. Fraggle-Stick car. Fine.

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Fraggle-Stick Boy: What's the North Pole like?
Willie: It's like a suburb.
Fraggle-Stick Boy: Which suburb?
Willie: I don't fucking know. Apache Junction?

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Kid: Santa!
Willie: Yeah.
Kid: You're bringing my present early?
Willie: No
Kid: But I never told you what I wanted.
Willie: I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.

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[first lines]
Willie: Hey, can I get another drink down here?

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[last lines]
Skateboard Bully: Hey, loser. I hear your buddy's not here to protect you any more. See ya got me a new bike. Thanks a lot. I'm talking to you, fat-ass.
Kid: Aaah!
[kicks bully in the balls]